There are days (sometimes weeks) when motherhood can feel like an uphill battle.
Picture the scene: The baby won’t stop screaming; the dishes in the sink look like the leaning tower of Pisa; you’ve had 3 hours of broken sleep (while lying at an awkward angle because you co-slept thinking you would get more rest); you haven’t showered today; there’s no milk left for your coffee; and the laundry basket has morphed into Mount Kilimanjaro on the landing. You spend the entire day attempting to organise the house with a teething toddler physically attached to you, barely making a dent in the chaos. Your other half arrives in the door from work, only to head straight back out to play 5-a-side. You’re counting down the hours and minutes to bedtime praying for even just a small window of respite.
You feel stretched and touched out both physically and emotionally.
While nothing extreme may have happened here, the reality of motherhood is that it’s often just the stretch and pull of the day to day stuff that wears us down. Imagine working all day without a break, on 3 hours sleep, with your morning ritual out of sync, and your boss (baby) screaming at you ALL the live-long day.
Then imagine you get a bill through the door. On a normal day this may not stress you out, it’s just a task you need to complete. But today, it sets off alarm bells. You start panicking about money, the fact that you can’t return to work full-time, due to the extortionate cost of childcare. You start thinking about the trainers you bought yourself last week “I should return those”. Then you begin to panic about all the other big expenses on the way; a new car seat; clothes in the next size; school books; university fees. You’re spiralling.
The problem occurs when the day to day stuff fills our bucket up so much, we then have no spare capacity for dealing with what can be perceived as stressful situations in life.
Whats Happening?
When ‘bad’ things happen and strong emotions are at play, our bodies change on a physical level. Stressful events occur, our amygdala kicks in and sets off a whole host of biochemical fireworks in our bodies. The sympathetic nervous system takes over, adrenaline starts pumping and cortisol levels skyrocket. While this can be great in a real emergency situation e.g. something that could cause imminent death or bodily harm, actually it’s not so great when we are trying to deal with everyday life. If your amygdala steps in every time you have a bill to pay, have a tough day at work or maybe things just don’t go your way, your body is in self destruct mode!
Even if you aren’t aware of it, this negative energy and stress will manifest itself physically in the body. Have you ever had an ‘upset tummy’ before an interview or exam? Ever noticed you get migraines or headaches when you have a lot on your plate? Maybe you bite your nails, smoke more, or have a restless night of sleep when you’re worried? Unfortunately these are just some of the short term presentations of stress in the body. The longer term effects of chronic stress can even include anxiety, depression, weight gain, memory and concentration impairment, amongst others.
So what can you do about it? …
Be Present
Eckhart Tolle speaks about achieving a higher state of consciousness in his book The Power of Now. Simply put, we have the power to decide how we react to the external forces in our lives. It’s not necessarily the events in our lives that causes a perception of crisis. No, if that were true, everyone in university sitting their exams would be having panic attacks…. or everyone who had to give a presentation would get stage fright…. and we know that’s not the case. Sure, there is an element of personality type in these equations and for some, handling stressful events will come more naturally, however we can train our minds to adopt a positive disposition in life. Tolle states in his book:
“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly- you usually don’t use it at all. It uses you. This is the disease. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion. The instrument has taken you over.”
Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now
We have the ability to use our minds to create positive changes in our life. When bad things happen around us (and they will), by bringing our awareness to our thoughts and accepting them, rather than fighting against them, we remove the negative power they have over us. By choosing not to dwell on the negative thoughts and allowing them to just be, we can end the cycle of negative thinking and those self-sabotaging, compulsive thought processes.
Choose Your Mantra
In terms of motherhood and to be honest, life in general – my favourite thing to do when life is stressing me out is use a mantra. The one I always come back to is “This too shall pass”.
Teething baby? Temporary. Toddler having a meltdown in public? Temporary. Nappy explosion all over your new top? Temporary (just get it in the wash ASAP)
It doesn’t necessarily make these situations any easier to deal with… but sometimes the simple act of pausing and allowing yourself a moment to just take a breath, repeating your mantra “This too shall pass” can give you the head space and capacity you need to just let it be. Knowing that this moment and this situation is temporary, allows you to simply accept it as it is and continue on with your day, without letting it consume your thoughts.
Practice!
We can practice noticing and directing our thoughts in everyday life. The next time you are brushing your teeth, pay close attention to all your senses in the process. The sound of the running water and the toothbrush against your teeth. The tingling sensation of the toothpaste against your gums, even notice how your breathing changes. Be totally present in the process. Small but regular acts of mindfulness like these can help train it, so it will eventually become its natural state.
The same benefits can be reaped from meditation. When some people think of meditation, they assume the goal is to empty the mind of all thought… Actually, the goal of meditation is to focus the mind. Again, this is a powerful way of training our minds to become aware of our thoughts and to choose what we allow to stay, or what we allow to simply accept and pass through.
When I first tried meditation I really struggled because I thought an empty mind was the goal. If you’ve ever tried that you’ll know it’s pretty impossible! Trying a simple mantra such as “Breathe in, Breath out” in synchronisation with the breath is a good way to focus your thoughts and be present. Hypnotherapy is another useful way of focusing the mind. In a sense it is like a guided meditation where you can focus your attention on the positive things in your life and reinforce positive behaviours.
Final Thoughts
Being present, recognising and accepting our thoughts and making a conscious effort to lean in when times are challenging, not only builds resilience but allows us to create and define our own future as we want it to be. If motherhood has taught me anything it’s that you cannot plan for every eventuality of your life. Sometimes you need to just go with the flow and embrace the chaos.
Thanks for reading!
Jess x